Clear...

I am struggling to put words down as my mind goes a mile a minute about what I should say instead of what I am feeling to write. That unclear message that only God can give you to truly learn how to allow Him to be the stronger voice in your vessel. A voice that only comes when you surrender your will and even though in some anguish lower yourself.

In the mist of my journey I have found myself learning that I rely way to much on speaking the right words or following the right movement. However, in the mist of that I am feeling a prompting to throw away the notes and trust in the guidance of the Holy Ghost. To hear what He is saying and allow myself to be guided by the voice that I want to be walking with. A voice that tells me I can when my flesh tells me I can't.

The Word tells us that when we are weak, He is made strong. I have found this statement to be true as I learn to walk in faith and allow myself to be guided by Him. My body is failing me as I battle through an "incurable" disease, but in that I feel the healing hand of God and trust His blessings will be much bigger than I can even imagine. I say that because in my long journey I have learned that I needed more than a healing from this thorn, but a healing of my heart.

I do not claim the ministry of Paul, but I do claim that if God got Paul through what he endured. God will see me through and I know His promises are real.

My flesh told me how can I minister about a God of healing and miraculous wonder when He won't even heal me. But through that God wanted me to see Him and not what a miracle would do for me.

I recently had a young lady share with me that she had an ultrasound that showed a mass on one of her ovaries. With compassion I told her I would begin to pray. I prayed for God to heal her and to give her hope. I remember being her age and battling with the same disease. A disease that breeds hopelessness as it steals from you fertility.

In the mist of this young woman's pain I still believed that God healed. But how could I pray for God to heal someone when He didn't hear my prayers to heal me of the exact same thing. I told myself that someone else must pray for her because I just must not have enough faith to touch God. But in me was still faith and enough faith to asked God to show me that He still hears my prayers and I prayed for a miraculous healing. And God heard my prayer.

There were no medical treatments that were done from that Monday until she went to see her specialist on Friday. On that day God performed a miracle and what was once a mass the size of a grapefruit was now almost invisible. A certified miracle happened for her and God was the one who touched her body and healed her! She will not need to have surgery and has the hope of one day having children!

God's plans are not our plans and in the mist of my situation I have seen that my blessings are coming in small doses. I have seen the mighty hand of God touch and in the mist of this journey I have seen His strength become mine. I know who my God is and no matter what the trial that seems so unclear in your life... clarity will come in a nice warm package of charity from Jesus!

Only Him...

Have you every had a day when you can't imagine what it would have been like with out Jesus? That day that you put your head on the pillow and just can't help but speaking out loud, "thank you Jesus".

I find those days coming a lot more now than I ever thought could be. The days when I look towards my ceiling and can't help but exhaling with great force.  That deep sigh that seems to be the only way that you can feel the depth of your core being relieved of all the negativity in your life.

As I find myself ending most days like that I also find myself seeing that wonderful feeling of being full of the hope of Jesus Christ. That hope that only can come through walking with Him. The hope that only can be understood when you walk closely with the one who gets you and your battles. Even though I know Jesus knows all about my day I still find comfort in talking with Him about it.

Have you ever thought that maybe it is those kind of daily communions with Him that make life feel complete? As the day goes by and you find that you never left your true love and that every day you can find Him in the stillness of the day and even in the craziness of the storm.

I write this short blog today to encourage you to have that time. The time when you truly are leaving all your cares on the alter and that with "Only Him" your heart is made whole. I can't find myself in any greater place than in the arms of the one who truly loves me. That one who I know truly loves you.

My Barren Womb...

The word tells us that we must be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1), but what about those who are barren. As people of faith we pray for the barren. A simple prayer of faith that is left in the hands of the one who can open up the most infertile womb and bring forth life.

Let’s look at the mother of many nations. Sara a woman of old age was promised a child. A promise that a woman today would need great faith to even believe is possible. However, in the womb of Sara laid a seed of promise that only God could bring to life.

We look at Leah, a woman that I have come to find of great interest. The word tells us that because she was hated, God opened her womb. While her sister Rachel a woman of great favor and beauty battled with the very curse of infertility. A thing that was in dead thought to be a curse and a thing that caused a woman to be of lesser value.

Next we have Hannah a woman of great persistence. In great travail she prayed her promise into existence to give him back to the priesthood. Her barren womb birthed the very man who shows us the meaning of obedience and faith. The one who shows us what it means when God says to those who has an ear let them hear.

And finally, my favorite barren dual. The famous Elisabeth and Mary the mother of Jesus. Like Sara Elisabeth was a woman of old age who’s doubting husband was made dumb at the very promise of a child. Through Elisabeth we see the birth of the very man who paved the way for the coming of the gospel.

Now that is a lot of impossibility made possible. Situations that didn’t come without the sadness of infertility, worthlessness, and some fear. I find myself intrigued by the idea of the barren womb and that beauty that God put on the very promise of children.

A couple weeks ago now I was praying for God to give me answers to why I was going through the pain that I was going through. From my first diagnoses I knew that this all was for a reason. That there was something that would come from my pain and one day while fishing with my dad it all came. The Lord spoke in a very clearly “your barren womb”.

Instantly I got it, I was so focused on the physical womb and its infertility that I had lost focus on the very promise that kept me. As the song goes, “this life is not my own, to Him I belong, I give myself, I give myself away”. Those words to me are not just words that I love to sing, but prayers of my very heart.

I speak in great humility as I find myself in pain today. My natural womb may be barren, but my spiritual womb is not. The women I spoke of before are all women who birthed great promises that were the vessels that through the power of Jesus Christ changed their world. These women’s very promises came with pain that only infertility can bring and Jesus could use to show the very impossible made possible.

God’s purpose and plan for each one of us is different. As some hold promises of the beautiful opportunity of raising up children to change their worlds. I hold to my promise of mothering the motherless and birthing something that can only be seen through spiritual eyes.

So I say to you today, don’t underestimate the promises of God in your life. The beautiful purpose that you hold in what God wants for you to do. We all have a purpose in this kingdom and all with significant value. There is never anything worth receiving in life that is not worth fighting for. My battle may be different than yours, but both with significant value.

I have to learn to live through chronic pain to be reminded of the very thing that makes me who I am in the kingdom of God. This cross I carry is painful, but that very thing that brings me pain is the very thing that gives me purpose in this heavenly promise.

A New Day...

I came into my blog to shut it down, but it was the over 243 views that I had in July alone that made me think it is time to begin writing again. My last post was back in 2014 and so much has changed in my life since than. I needed to trust in the prompting of the Holy Ghost as I begin to share my life with those who around the world have been listening.

I keep saying I'm going to write more, but I seem to begin with so much excitement and life comes my way and I stop. As much as I'd love to say that I will work towards writing more I can't promise that. But what I can promise is a better effort towards sharing my heart and what God is speaking.

The Word tells us that we will find him when we search for him. That in the secret place it is only us and God. I have learned over and over again this to be true. That the more I write about him the more I find him. The more I discuss about his love, the more I feel His hand. And most importantly, the more that I focus on Him, the more I see him in the beauty of the day.

In the last year, I have battled with a chronic illness that is so miss understood and misdiagnosed that I've felt speechless. But, the longer I battle with it, the more I find my God in the mist of it.

My battle has given me wounds and scars that are not all visible to the eye, but I have found comfort in my secret times with God and comfort in knowing He sees me. I find myself looking towards the new day and see my Savior's guiding hand. I feel his strength in the wings that encompass and fresh hope of tomorrow.

I guess I sit here tonight knowing that my life is not to be put in a journal, but to be public for all that desire to look into it. Into the life of a woman no longer a girl who believes in the undying favor of God. A woman who sees the hope in the pain and who knows that no matter what your battle may be the Jesus that died for your sins is able to bring you into a realm of comfort.

I write you tonight to say a new day has dawned. I will not speak to you about the battles of my flesh, but will share with you the battles of this disease that can attack my body, but not my soul. I am a fighter, but in that battle is one of greater purpose and that is eternal life. I live each day with a brighter understanding that I serve a God who is more than just my creator He is my savior!

It is through Jesus that I know that a new day shall come and he has made me and you overcomers by the word of our testimonies and the power of the cross. Stay strong and feel the reason...

Speak...

I tend to find myself unsure of what I should write, and sometimes feel as if I am writing without a cause or purpose. However, as I sit in my house listening to the cars drive by I am reminded that with out intentional effort we will look back and say, "where did the time go". We will look into the past and wonder what we said and what we didn't say.

As a person who tends to be more quite and reserved I find myself wondering if I said to much, or I said enough. I believe that is nothing more then a spirit of timidity that tries to hush the voices of the people of God. As I try to grow out of this need to "see the writing on the wall", I find myself watching God's hand perform the impossible things that I knew he was capable of doing. Those things that I should have spoken of and didn't.

For example, when I was about to have my second surgery for my endometriosis the Lord spoke to me and told me I needed to ask for prayer. Not just in my church, but to share it to all that were on Facebook. The amount of responses and encouragement that was given to me was so overwhelming that it brought me to my knees. I was so thankful for the prayers and humbled that the Lord responded. With a good report from the doctor I stand knowing that there is power in prayer and we must speak out.

The enemy wanted nothing more than to keep me in a place of timidity and in the mean time God was wanting to show Himself strong. As I knew that he was able to do the impossible it was not just me that needed to believe it, but all the hundreds of friends that I have on Facebook that saw that the Lord responding to the request of those praying.

From this I have had many talk to me about chronic pain and dealing with situations that hinder our lives. I have had others ask for prayer and others state they didn't even know that I had dealt with this for so long. The truth is all of that has allowed me to share with people where I find my strength and that is all from Jesus. He is my strength, my rock, and my encouragement. When I find myself feeling like I can't take it anymore I just speak out that name, Jesus.

Just me speaking out allowed God to show Himself. Jesus needs to be spoken of and something it will take us speaking about the uncomfortable situations in our lives so that He can do His greatest work. It isn't about me and what I went through, it is about what He has done. I went into my surgery thinking I was going to have to have major surgery, but came out with a report that growth was minimal.

As I said to my Pastor, "it was years of terrible pain, but after the pain is gone, its gone". I want to remember that when I look to the future knowing that I have used every opportunity to speak when I needed to speak. Because when the opportunity has passed, it has passed and I don't want to miss out on the things that God wanted to do.

May the Lord bless you all!

Be of good cheer...

In my study of chapter 23 of Acts, I have found myself completely amazed by the ministry of Paul. We speak of him often, but I never realized how much he endured to have the Word of God go forward. The ways he was tortured, but still determined to fulfill the will of God. I am encouraged by that and know that only God can direct the steps of those that follow Him.

While I find myself over taken by the true zeal of Paul, I find him a man of great example to our modern day church. As I find my days filled with frustration, I look to the sky and thank the Lord for the path that He is sending me on. A walk that is not always easy, but is filled with wonderful learning experiences and times of growth. I can't say that I live a life without mistakes, but I can say that I am determined to walk to road God has designed for me.

Paul's ministry was one of great persecution and I find myself reminded of this when I get the looks. I try to remind myself of the time that the Lord came to Paul in chapter 23 and God tells him that he should be of good cheer because the testimony he brought of Christ in Jerusalem he will now bring to Rome. Are we willing to endure the mob to get the Word of Christ forward?

Many of us have not taken a punch for the name of Christ, but I have heard of some who have. In that I am inspired to go forward with the gospel message and stand with assurance that this message is worth it all.

So, I leave you with this. Be of good cheer my brothers and sisters. You may have endured the mob, but remember it was for a great purpose. God is doing great things in 2014!

To all those being affected by the weather... stay warm and be safe!

Looking Back...

Sitting here on New Years Eve at 11:00 pm I find myself reliving 2013. I would say that this year has been a year of growth for me and one that has strengthened my walk in every step. I have been challenged in ways I never thought was possible, but I serve a faithful God and He knew what I needed. I am grateful for all things as the Bible tells us we should.

Today as I sat in the funeral of one of my longest and oldest friend's grandpa. I found myself realizing how quickly time goes. With a year filled with so many challenges I found myself looking through the stain glass and thanking God for His love. How selfish could I be in a time when others are grieving the loss of a loved one? And there I sat richer in the things that matter and crying because of all the heartache I felt around me.

As I get to the end of this year of great challenge, I find myself looking back at all the great lessons I learned in 2013.

I have learned patience in a completely different capacity. As I see large puzzle pieces in my life coming together I find God slowing me down in other areas to focus on the things of value in my walk and ministry. As the song goes "My life is not my own, to you I belong, I give myself, I give myself away".

In 2013, the scripture "lean not unto your own understanding" takes a new meaning for me. As I followed the voice of God to journey into unknown territories I found myself filled with great joy and anticipation for what is to come. However, in that time God has worked my patience and my need to understand His ways. Sometimes I have found that we don't need to understand why we just need to follow the lamp that He has given us and the pathway that He has spoken. All things shall come together in His timing as He orders our steps.

During the last couple months I have learned the importance of staying connect with godly friends. As the days filled with busy work I found myself growing apart from a friend who is a great encouragement to me. She has taught me much through my walk and has became one of the greatest friends I could have ever asked for. An ocean parts us and a time zone that is not the easiest to work around, but with technology we can be the strength to one anther that I believe God has intended.

Now last the most important part. During my time of refreshing and direction in August. God sent me on a journey that truly has changed my life forever. I spent much time with God taking in all that He had spoken to me through constant dreams. While I spent time away from the life that I have become accustomed to, He spoke into me great things. One that is of great importance to you all is that of writing. Ironically this was also the time that my computer decided to crash and until now have not been with a computer to write.

So, starting in 2014 I will be starting to write the book that the Lord has impressed on my life and also continue to blog. I want to thank you all who have became followers of my blog and let you know that your time spent reading is not unnoticed. Every time I go on and see the number of people reading my blog I find myself humbled at the work of God. I pray that 2014 is a time of great blessings for you and that together we can help impact this world.

With so much that has been take in during 2013, I find myself in great anticipation for what is to come. More growth means more growing pains and as He got me through last year, I know He will do the same this year. Happy New Year Everyone!

In the Presence of Jehovah...

As I was preparing for my class tomorrow, I was reminded of the importance of having true reverence for God. Not the kind of reverence that is only there because someone is watching you, but the kind of reverence that is there because you know God is watching you. The kind that is deep in your soul to please God and to show respect.

I remember a message that my cousin Nikki's husband preached when I was down in Ohio. It was a message that was on the anointing oil. He spoke regarding the church now and how important it is to make sure that everything that we use for God we should want to anoint. I remember him running around the church from the instruments to the pulpit to the pews speaking about praying over them and anointing them. That they were to be used only for God.

Today I am reminded of this very act and the importance of making sure that we remember the presence of God. To be reminded that we are always in His presence but how we should constantly be reminded of being in His presence especially in the house of God.

As a little girl I remember being told that the church was God's house and that you were to be on your best behavior. To this day I still make sure that I show respect in the house of God and that includes other churches. I always make sure to pick up things on the ground and find myself deeply bothered when the house of God is not picked up. To me how we take care of the house of God shows of how we look at who our God is and I want for people to know that my God is the King.

I want to make sure that in everything that I do I reflect who my Jesus is. As He flipped the tables and spoke with great authority in the temple against the thieves. Jesus shows to us that He desires for His house to be a house of prayer and a place where anyone can see that He is King.

As we find the coming of our Lord drawing near I find myself more eager for people to see who my Lord really is. That in His presence they can do more than just feel Him, they can see Him.

Fertilize and Water...

Today while I was at work I received a revelation that I can't wait to share with you. As I tried to find myself remembering all the blogs that I wanted to write earlier, but didn't have the means to do so. I found myself receiving more things to write and look forward to sharing them with you.

During this time when we find ourselves being more discouraged by the things we see, I have been reminded of the importance of faith. The Word tells us that we walk by faith and not by sight and that even faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains.

It is great to have just a little faith, but I believe there is more to this than just the size of the faith. The fact that it was a seed to me plays a huge roll in what Jesus was trying to say. Through out the scriptures God spoke about seeds in the sense of our spiritual growth and I do feel that He was speaking something here as well.

Faith can be small in the sense of the planter, but there is fertilizing and watering that will cause that little seed to become something big and fruitful. For example carrots come from a very small seed, but when they grow they are not so small anymore.

In a time when faith is being plucked up and stolen. I believe it is time for the saints of the most High God to start watering and fertilizing those mustard seeds of faith. Not just for ourselves, but also for our brothers and sisters in the Lord.

All someone needs is just a mustard seed of faith but for that seed to do great and mighty things it will take prayer in watering that seed and fasting in fertilizing that seed. During a time when the devil is trying to take away the prayers of the church and the desire to fast in the people. I find myself being prompted even more to go to battle for the faith and gospel we have.

If we want to have great faith in our own lives, it is going to take diligent prayer and continual fasting to grow that mustard seed size faith that is inside of us. We can't just think that it is ok to have just a mustard seed when really, if we don't plant that seed and let it grow then it will not grow into the fruit that is needed for others.

I am looking forward to seeing what just a mustard seed of faith can grow into and what it will transpire into in a life. Through prayer, fasting, and pouring out of the faith that is growing in our lives I believe we can see great things.

It is okay to just want a little faith, but I am expecting for a great faith that will heal the sick and cause the lame to walk again. I am looking for the kind of faith that cause whole congregations to come to the revelation of the One true God and for those who have faith to bind together in fasting and prayer to bind the strong man that is trying to take reign.

Don't forget the month of fasting and prayer. Together we can change this world!

I am back...

I wanted to get the word out that I am now able to write again. I have gotten a new computer and will be writing all the back log of what God has been giving me and haven't been able to write.

Please pray with me as God takes me through this journey of prayer, fasting, and writing in January. Stay tuned for many blogs as I write down what God has been laying on my heart.

Prayer for Philippines

I ended my day today with news from my co-worker that she has not heard from her family in the Philippines. I saw her this morning and her normal bubbly demeanor was very sad. I asked her before I left if she was ok, her response was that she was ok. When she gave me that answer I asked are you sure because you are very down today. When she shared that she hadn't heard from her family my heart broke and the first words out of my mouth when I got into my vehicle was, Jesus.

The power of prayer and the understanding of ministry is something of critical necessity at this time. If ever before we need to pray for wisdom and the power of the Holy Ghost to direct our feet. In times of need and in times of struggle it is up to the church to be the place where people can come to.

In this short blog I want to say, lets pray for all the people who have gone through another devastating situation in Philippines and for the family who can not get into contact with them. We need the comforter and we need the wisdom to counsel those who are going through all of this.