Not Every Sorry...

 The other day I saw a post on Instagram that was so powerful to me. The picture said "Not every sorry... should be responded with a "it's ok"". As someone who tends to just respond with "it's ok" it really hit me hard. How many time truly was it not ok and I just responded with it was ok? How often 

Dreamer Dream

The story of Joseph tells us much about how people feel about others believing in the unseen. How a dreamer is looked upon by even those close. It gives us a picture of true reality and the untold story. It shows us why people don't share their dreams and how it isn't always received. But accepted or not Joseph still held on. He still didn't give up on a dream given to him prior to the years of horror.

Dreamers are not always accepted nor are they received with a true compassion. You have those who dream and reach those heights but we also have those who dream beyond their here and now and strive towards those dreams with perseverance and strength. They push back the naysayers and they watch as God allows things to fall into place only done by a drive given by no other than God. It is the power of overcoming and it isn't often times received with open arms. 

I often don't speak about my battle with rejection. In fact until now I don't believe I've every spoken it out loud to a group of people. I know what it feels like to be hurt. To feel like you are never good enough or that you're not someone else so your value is far less. I've felt the sting of hurtful words only spoken to hurt and bring you down. I know what it feels like to achieve huge goals and find yourself celebrating with only a select few. The silent battle of hurt only shared between you and God. It is that kind of spirit that breaks you to a place where only God can encourage you enough to keep dreaming. 

As a little girl I used to have an imagination like no other. I felt confident behind the mic and I even walked in confidence, but that was with child like faith. That was with childish dreams with a protection that goes beyond the adult version. And then I became a teenager and all those dreams became just dreams and rejection soon helped me see they were not reality. I saw dreams as childish and silly... thinking who was I too feel I could ever be who I dreamed. 

I had many people who tried to help me see I was capable and they always showed me love beyond measure. But I soon realized that when those people weren't around to cheer me on the voice in my head was not theirs. The voice in my head was telling me I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, or even strong enough to do the things I felt I was destined to do. My little bitty faith had me doubting a God bigger than my rejection. It was pain and it was something many didn't know fueled my quietness. 

Hurt can't find you when your quiet and sitting in the corner. Pain can't come when you are not seen. Inadequacy can't speak to you when you already live there. It became my truth and it became my story. But it took me a long time to realize the cause of my silence. It was my protection from a rejection that cut beyond my reality it cut into my dreams. 

You see dreams are safe when no one else knows them. Your pain is nonexistent when never allowed to penetrate. Your reality is still ok when you're never allowed to dream in real life. So I left my dreams as a child and I allowed myself to protect those dreams in a way that allowed me to feel safe. 

No one really ever knew I lived here. Those close to me always filled me full off confidence and peace of mind. I felt encouraged by many but I also had those moments where a spirit of rejection reigned so strong it crippled me from dreaming. I served in obedience and I smiled in humble hurt. 

While many look at a dreamer and see confidence. I look at a dreamer and see overcoming power. Because a dreamer doesn't find the support and protection. They find a battle and a few little stones to slay their giant. They have to over come the naysayers and the ones trying to remind them of their shortcomings. They find themselves humbled... over and over again only to have to pick themselves up from the rubble and let God put them back together again by much needed glue and love. 

You see my battle isn't over and never will it ever be. But I look to God and find myself strengthened by the story of a man who never quit dreaming and a young boy who never quit letting God be God. So while my silence can find some wondering why... my encouragement to others is found through confidence and experience of knowing the battle. A battle that I know I went through so I could be a person who doesn't stop when the hurt comes, but instead remembers that from great hurt and pain comes something birthed in great reward. 

So dreamer dream... allow your childlike faith to live on beyond the perimeters given by a society trying to grow you up sooner. Protect your heart from things that are meant to damage and harden you. Think beyond the limitations brought to you and let yourself dream. Dreamer dream.....

Another step...

 The sound of cheering in the lobby made me feel so thankful. The announcement yesterday by the CDC brought an excitement regarding our lives going back to normal from our year long mask wearing lives. Was this really what we were going to become immune to? Was our lives going to continue with a measure of constant risk. The verdict was still out until the sudden announcement came. And then came the awareness of our state releasing the mandate. 

While people celebrated the email at work regarding no more masks the place erupted with smiling faces all thankful for this new found freedom. The no mask situation brought almost a liberty that felt wrong while many tried to get used to not having a mask on their face while they walked within the hallways and main areas. Another step has been made and we now are trying to relearn normalcy. 

Just a week ago I was back in the office feeling like there was so much that has been lost in one year. While my office at home became a comfort for me so did the lack of understanding of what it felt like day in and day out to loose just a little more freedom. What a place of true conviction as I found myself humbled by the kindness. It's just another step but one step closer to what we will soon find life to look like again. 

While we find ourselves going back to life as it once was. We still must not forget that in just one moment we could see things change. This shouldn't be the time when we draw farther away from God. It shouldn't be a relaxed move towards normalcy but a forward motion towards what our lives need to be. Will our lives be full of things or full of the things that really matter. 

So while we have made another step forward don't let your forward step take you one step backwards with the accomplishments you made. Don't make it an excuse for you to stop moving forward with God. Don't let it be the very thing that keeps you from still being faithful. Normalcy don't have to be your past... it can be yours to come. You choose today what you are going to step into or step out of. Freedom is rewarding when held within the boundaries that don't let us fall away. 

Silent Suffering...

Today I felt my body really fighting. You know the days when you know you're worn out for no other reason than some war is going on in your body. In the mist of it I was also sent a message off one of my stories by a friend who stated that she felt my pain while she battles with fibromyalgia. It made me really realize the true silent sufferers. Those we have no idea are battling things we do not see. 

It is easy for people to see your pain when its outside. But what people often don't see is that so many are silently suffering and we don't even know it because we are always looking for external signs. While I am typing this I'm even thinking of those who people say they had no idea that they were suffering with depression or anxiety. How to we reach those?! 

The ones who've silently been suffering and need a life line. I'm reaching out to those who are in need of a support group of people who will help lift them up in prayer, encouragement, and help. I'm reaching to those who are battling silently with no life line in sight. I'm reaching to those who are looking for answers and haven't found them. For those still fighting for a diagnosis and for those who are trying to find tools to not silently suffer but victoriously overcome the battle they are going through. 

So today I shout out to the silent sufferers. I shout your name for true victory and that you might hear this shout for a life surrounded with people who want to see you live. So today my prayer is that the silent sufferers are found in Jesus Name! 

Who are you?

The thought has been expressed that our identity is strictly connected with what we believe about ourselves. Think about it. Who are you? What is it that makes you, you? Do you find yourself trying to change things on a regular basis or are there things that you truly are grateful for? 

I really find myself trying to take a deep breathe lately. In my moments of stress and pain I take a deep breathe that goes deep into my diaphragm. I allow myself to truly oxygenate my whole body. Allowing myself to go deep. 

In a moment of time when we find comparison so rogue we also must take into consideration where all this comes from. Does your identity come from what you believe in yourself or is it based on outside influence? 

I used to look at pictures of myself and think who is that. But now I look at this woman and think... warrior. The stories that are not completely shown on my face are part of who I am. It is apart of the story that shows what I believe and why I believe it so strongly. This smile is not a hidden coverup of hurts not seen, but it is a smile of victory and truth.

I am an open book to anyone who'd like to listen. I am someone whose body constantly fails her. I am someone who's faith constantly is tested. I am someone who has seen miracles but also seen other sickness not healed. Behind my smile is a battle of equality within the realm of covering. Behind my smile is a fear of rejection of those closest to me. Behind my smile is a strength that has came from being a constant encourager to not myself but those around me. 

Who is this woman? This woman is someone who's identity is not measured by models. She is not a person who's looks are of any value. She is a woman who's desire is to empower other woman and girls to walk into their own purpose for the kingdom of God. 

Why you might ask am I sharing this? I'm sharing this because we need to take a time to truly take note of who we really are. Are we measuring ourselves by all that is wrong? Or are we measuring ourselves by all that God has done right?

I want for you to take note. Remember what your story is but don't let it write your next chapter. If the smile you have is hiding something, it is time to get to the healing process. That process might be you needing to talk through things. It might be that you need to be reminded of your value. You might need to spend more time speaking life into your own life instead of always investing in everyone else. It is time for you to really come to face...WHO YOU ARE?! 

Choose Joy...

If you have ever been in my house or seen a picture of my house, you know how much I love signs with sayings. I am surrounded by them in every room. Honestly the only room in my house that doesn't have a saying is the bathroom. And that is only because I don't have any shelves or places for them in my bathroom. However, my most favorite sign in my whole house is the one in my kitchen... it says... Choose Joy! 

In my other home it was the first and last thing you saw in my house and that wasn't by chance. I put it in that place because of its importance to my daily walk. I needed to be reminded that each day I have to make a choice and joy is not determined by situation but by choice. 

I work with people every day and as the title of the department I work in states... I am a resource for humans. Get it... Human Resources. I know bad joke but it is all true. During some annual HR training we were told that the day we decide we don't want to be a resource is the day we must get out of Human Resources (HR). Dealing with people, issues, and problems is the name of the game. And while I love the new marriages, babies, and promotions I get to be apart of I still need to deal with the performance issues, the terminations, and the phone calls to let someone know they didn't get the job. It is a choice to find joy in the mist of a life full of people. 

But I don't share this with you to complain about my job as I love what I do. However, my purpose for writing about this is to remind you that we make a choice every day, hour, and some times minute of how we are going to live. Whether the situation we find ourselves in will steal our joy or continue to let us walk in that joy. I don't get to stay in a place of rainbows and butterflies every day and every moment of that day. I have to make a choice. 

I'd love to be a person who tells you that, that sign helps me in my moments of questioning. I'd love to tell you that I am the most optimistic person around. I'd even love to tell you that I have grown to have alligator skin that allows for things to not puncture my heart. What I can tell you is this... I am a human in need of resources and while I don't always have all the resources. I need a sign in my house to tell me to choose joy. I have a reminder to tell myself to inspire others. I have a sign that tells me to learn to dance in the storm. I even have a sign in my house to tell me to have faith. I need reminders. 

So today while you find yourself imperfect in a world looking for perfection. Remember that you are a creation that came from the mighty hands of God. You're an imperfect person with the need of a savior and while others seem to want to remind you of your limitations. Remember that you have a choice. You have a choice whether you'll walk in joy. Why? Because joy is a fruit of the spirit. It is something that God desires to give to you, but you have to allow for him to grow in you. You have to make a choice to allow for JOY to bloom. You have to make a choice to allow resources to become evident. 

Patience is a virtue...

I remember when people would throw out this statement about patience being a virtue and thinking to myself... "why did you need to say that"? It always seemed like a very thoughtless statement even though scripturally based. Almost like asking a chronically ill person, if they are feeling better. What is better when you are chronically sick? I guess that is just the thoughts of someone who has been there. Right?! Telling someone to have patience when they are not feeling so patient can seem so... pointless. Or maybe not?!

Learning to not be reactionary is a state of mind. Learning to be patient isn't something that comes natural to our world because we've become so instantly gratified by everything. Patience is a virtue but it is because the lesson brings pressure to create the most beautiful gem. 

Recently I've become more present in my life. I've come to realize that this fast pace life isn't going to bring me the life that I'm looking for. I'm looking to have a life of gratefulness and that means to learn to be present in the right here right now. Learning to be patient for the blessings and to learn that there are things that come with those blessings. 

You see the statement "patience is a virtue" is not something that people are saying to make you feel inadequate. In fact it is a statement made to show you that you are being created into a perfect gem. You can decide whether you are the kind of gem that will withstand the greatest heat to glimmer the most or you will just go so far to be "good enough". 

I'm truly compelled by this thought today as I look into the house that God has so graciously blessed me with. While I made my list of wants He has exceeded that and gone above. I had to have patience though. In the time I wanted to move I had to learn contentment and also learn patience. I had to see through fire and trials. I had to see whether this life I was living was about things or about what I was created to be. 

So today I challenge you to take a look at the life you've been given. The challenges, the blessings, the great trying times of patience. Because with great patience becomes great blessings. It shows you how to live in the moment and not be dictated by mans time or demands. Learn to be in the moment and learn to be patient for the blessings to come. Don't miss out on the greatest things because you are not able to be patient. 

What’s around the corner...

We all know that 2020 wasn’t the best year. It challenged us in many different ways, but it was something that could either make us or break us. 

Working in Human Resources I’ve seen a common strain of comments made by those during review season... “2020 was a challenging year”. For sales people it meant lower sales numbers. For those in the service center it meant more challenging service calls at a larger volume. For managers it meant learning how to manage staff schedules and for us in HR it meant learning on the go. 

While I haven’t had a normal 8-5 job for the past year as I was never clocked out. I’ve learned one thing... this life is not bad it is just a bad day. It is just a bad situation. It is just a bad time. I choose to look at this time as something that can build me because I choose for it not to break me. This mindset has got me through a lot of things but most importantly it has given me strength. 

How have you grown in 2020? Has it increased your ability to look at times of struggle as times of strength? Have you started to read more? Maybe you put your health before your love for junk food? Or maybe you learned your love for gardening and spent more time doing things that brought you joy rather than focus on all that you can’t do. 

I challenge you today as we enter into almost the end of the first quarter of the new year. Will you live what you’ve learned in 2020 or will you be bitter as 2021 seems to be going the same? Will you face challenges with determination? Or will you face life with a defeatist view? 

Yes, we are still facing things in 2021 that we were facing in 2020. It has been a year of this new life that we are living, but in this we should have been drawn to the things that are important. The things that were lost in the hustle and bustle of life. 

So how are you going to look around the corner? Will you be grateful or pessimistic? I vote for grateful! 

The Power of Prayer

We often times find ourselves in places in our lives where we wonder whether God has heard our prayers. Why keep praying something that God already knows? The truth is that us praying for something isn’t us begging God or us trying to twist something into our favor, but rather a lesson in fervent prayers that are full of faith. While Hannah prayed eagerly for a child she also prayed in faith. She knew the situation she was in while also knowing the God whom she served. Whether that prayer was answered quickly or after some time she didn’t stop her time of prayer. We often times find ourselves giving up on prayer because we see nothing happening. We often times measure the power of our prayers by the evidence of instant answers. We often find ourselves walking in a state of false humility as we truly have allowed our faith to be limited all because our prayers didn’t get answered the way we thought. Today I challenge you to think back to all the unanswered prayers. Maybe those are prayers that you now know are things you should be thankful were unanswered but those things prayed for that are aligned with the will of God… why did you stop praying. Those children in need of something that only He can provide… why did you stop praying? That you might find that doctor whose true desire is to help… why did you stop praying? That house you stopped praying for. That relationship you stopped praying for. That healing you’ve stopped praying for. That daily strength you’ve stopped praying for. That bible study you’ve stopped praying for. That open door you’ve stopped praying for. There is power in prayer and it isn’t because we are so great… it is because He is so great. Prayer moves mountains. BUT most importantly… prayer develops in us a growth that builds the kind of faith that helps us pray without ceasing. — Thursday Thought 

Time to TAKE time

You ever heard the saying “there isn’t enough time in the day”. Of course you have. I don’t know anyone who feels that they have enough time for all that they’d like to do. Well this my friend is only a sign of the time we are living in. Does not scripture tell us that the closer that we get to the coming of the Lord the days will seem shorter? Well we are no doubt living in that time and while we already feel like time is short the enemy is right behind us trying to wear us out. What greater way to keep us feeling inadequate. Keep making us feel like we can’t do anything right. Sound familiar?

I’m here to tell you today that you can’t live your life feeling like you’ll just make time for things. Truth is you need to start TAKING time. You need to start looking at your life and seeing what is important and what isn’t. Will pushing back laundry until tomorrow really outweigh seeing your niece who’s growing every day? Will your need to have a clean house outweigh you living in the moment and taking that drive with a friend? Or maybe you’ll start working out when you feel like it. Or maybe you’ll start eating healthy when you have the money to do so. Or here is my favorite... sleep in instead of calling into the prayer call when others are in the hospital calling in. It is all about TAKING time and not just making time. 

In today’s world we so often are measuring our success in what we’ve got done. I’m guilty of this. I find myself tired by the weights of work when I’m partly guilty for it. I love my job and I love what I do but the amount of additional work that COVID has brought our workaholic lifestyles are burning out people left and right. We can no longer work until the candle is out. We can no longer push back life and say that we will do it another day. Because those days may never come. 

Part of my goal for 2021 was to get my body moving again. For the first time since I was in high school my pain level was low enough for me to take on working out. It might seem a weird concept for those who do not battle chronic illness but it is true. When I started to work out I found myself so thankful for the way my body was starting to feel. While others in my accountability group found themselves trying to work on just pushing play. I was loving the moment of knowing that I could finally do something like this. TAKING time wasn’t hard for me, but TAKING time for them was. 

You see I share this with you because we are all battling our own voices. We are all living in the same timeframe of the day, but we are all trying to make time for those things we must do. But we can’t do that anymore. There are some things in my life that I just have to TAKE time for. I have to TAKE time for prayer in the morning, for reading the Word, for working out, for those moments that come unexpectedly  that you might not get again. I can’t get back a day with my niece. I can’t get back a moment with my family. I can’t get back the ability to move my body and get stronger. I have to TAKE time for that. 

Stop feeling like you have to make time because you can’t. You don’t have it. Our days are shorter. Our responsibilities more. It is time for you to TAKE time for the things that are important. To TAKE time for those moments. It is time for you to TAKE control of what is trying to control you. It is time to TAKE back your life and live the way God has created you to live.  

Self Care... Is it ok?

This topic has taken a new life in this generation and I don’t believe that it just happened by chance. Which if you know me, know I don’t believe in chances anyways. The Word tells us that it is the enemies job to “wear out the saints” and he is doing just that. Unfortunately most of it is because we have not found the balance in self-care.

I’ve heard many people say that self-care is a selfish thing and that all people need to do is pray and read the Word. It is true that those two things should be a part of our self-care but it can’t be all of it. We live in a world that is a pressure cooker which means at some point the steam is going to have to come out. Wouldn’t you rather that steam be appropriately released in a healthy way then to blow up in your face and cause second degree burns? I can tell you in full confidence you don’t. It isn’t a pretty situation and even though you’d like to justify it, you can’t.

Taking time for you is not wrong nor is it something you should feel guilty about. Why?! Because that guilt isn’t placed there by God it is placed there by man. It’s the assumption of what you perceive people to think or what you’ve heard them speak. It’s the judgement of old ways and generational changes. It’s the lack of empathy that is truly only learned. Finding yourself balance in taking time for yourself is critical and it should only be judged by you and God.

Something that I hear a lot about being single is how lucky I am because I don’t have as much work. Truth is I don’t believe that anyone has more or less work. It is truly how they choose to allow it to control them. While a married couple has another person to take care of in a way. A single person has no one else there to help. While a family with many kids have many people to care for they also have many to help. No one can win that war of who has things worse and no one should want to. It isn’t about who needs time more. It is about making that time to count. 

Self-care should never be a bad word in the lives of Christians. It is about relationship not religion. It is about caring for the temple we are given. So taking the time to care for yourself is critical for you to be the best person in that relationship. God does not desire to only get your left overs or for you to only give him what you have enough of. He wants for you to be able to take the time for Him and to be able to receive more from that time. If that means taking time for just you, don’t feel guilty for that.

Momma’s stop feeling guilty for taking time for yourself. Stop looking at you needing time as a selfish act and stop feeling that it has to be just once in a blue moon. Make it something that you do regularly and it can be as small as you just taking a half hour before bed. It might mean every Sunday night you do a fifteen minute face mask. Maybe it means that you go with your friends once a month for a Saturday morning coffee break.

Single ladies stop feeling guilty for taking time on yourself because everyone thinks you have all this time. There is nothing wrong with taking the time for self-care. You want to get into routines so that you get to do what you want to do instead of all your responsibilities, go for it. You need to take an hour to get ready for bed, right on sister I’m right there with you.

The truth is we need to be purposeful in the things that are important in our lives. I once heard someone say that you don’t need more time in a day you need to learn how to make time. You will find time in your life when you start to make things important. For me that meant scheduling things out and using a reminder on my phone to keep me accountable. Weekly posts in the group I get to minister in, I have a reminder on my phone every Thursday. Payroll biweekly on my calendar so that I know that I can’t take that Monday off. Changing my filters for my furnace, I have a reminder. Monthly books completed for the church, I have a reminder. By doing this I am able to make sure that things don’t fall through the cracks, but when it comes to taking care of this temple. Those things I need to gage during my time with God. 

Getting sick was one of the best things for me to begin to invest in that time. I learned that with my illness taking time for self-care was critical for my all around health. Stress is a huge trigger for me and my pain, but most importantly being self-aware of my body was even more important. Learning when I was mentally exhausted and responding to that was critical. Being self-aware of what I was doing with my muscles when I was stressed, was important. Learning to take time to just breathe, was important. And what I learned in all of it is God created us all uniquely which means each person needs something different. We need to learn to embrace that and to learn balance.

I’m not telling you to neglect everything and just focus on yourself. What I’m saying is that you need to take the time to evaluate your life and the priority that you give things in your life. Those dishes in the sink to someone else will be there tomorrow...but to me a clean kitchen in the morning helps me feel peace. To that Momma who needs to take the time at night to spend with her kids and tackle the dishes in the morning that is for you to figure out and not for me to judge. so own it and the responsibility you have to your temple gave you.

It’s balance my friend. Something the enemy hopes you will never figure out.